Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Project 365: 11

My life sometimes feels like a tower built of wooden blocks.

Strange thing to say, huh? Bear with me.

I work really hard, every day, to build my "tower of blocks". Building upon a foundation of hope and trust, I do dishes, read books to my kids, make dinner, balance our budget, find creative ways to interact as a family, keep the house in some semblance of order, and pray (often); I do whatever I can to ensure a stable and comfortable environment for my family. Most of the time, I'm successful. We are generally happy and comfortable. It feels good. With every little thing I do, I add another block to the top of my "tower". And it's a nice tower. It is strong and is built with love. I love that tower (security) (are you following the analogy here?)

It never ceases to amaze me, though, how quickly my tower of blocks can be leveled. In the span of 3 seconds, (the approximate amount of time it takes for a speech therapist to say, "Your son has been diagnosed with the inability to process speech," for example), my tower comes tumbling to the ground. In an instant, I feel insecure, alone and afraid. I find myself wishing, however futile my wishing might be, that I didn't just hear what I heard. I question myself, my husband, my capabilities as a parent and my ability to make a positive difference. I stare at the pile of fallen blocks before me and wonder how I'll ever build it back up again. How will I ever feel secure or protected again? I pray, cry and share my fear and sadness with those I love.

And then, slowly, I realize that I was wrong. My tower isn't leveled. Sure, the fancy spires and towers have fallen, but the foundation remains. Firm and strong, my hope and resolve are still there. The faith upon which I had built my tower in the first place still stands, and it fills me with the strength to start rebuilding.

My mom once told me that there was a point in her life where she was faced with a choice: she could give up, lay down, and let her life direct her, or she could get up, take a shower, and choose to direct her life. Today, I'm making the choice to direct my life. I'm going to start rebuilding my confidence, restructuring our strategies and reinforcing my faith in in a firm foundation that can withstand the worst.

Today, I am victorious.

(Click to enlarge)


  1. This is a beautiful post and so inspiring. I totally understand where you are coming from and believe we, as moms and women, are strong.

    Nothing changed between yesterday and today. The therapist just put a name to what you have been experiencing. You took the steps to get him help. You'll get through and past this.

    Your mom's philosophy is wonderful. On my worst days, I rely on the wisdom I was once given, "God give you only the struggles you can handle." along with my other favorite, "Through pain and adversity becomes growth."

    You are strong. Be good and gentle with yourself. .

  2. Hi shellina! Sorry it's been so long but im just now going through yOur new blog and I love it. And I admire your strength and love your writing. Miss you and keep building xoxox Jenna